Hello Lovelies.....long time no talk! I got another new job and ended up moving 2 hours and into a new apartment so things have been nuts the last few months settling in. Along with that I went through a break up and adopted a cat in the last few months....that's the short version of my absence. (I'm thinking about starting a series about what I have learned from my break ups and relationships because I've had some real doozies...let me know what you think!)
With all these life changes I've decided to take another big step towards also improving my health. I have decided to start the Weight Watchers program and am embarking on a new weight loss adventure. I know there are tons of people who struggle with their weight and also tons who use this program successfully so I figured I would post about my experiences, some recipes I deem worthy, and just my progress and what works and what doesn't over all.
So, how did I get here? We'll have to go a ways back for this to make any sense......
I was 5 years old the first time I thought "I look so fat." I was trying on some clothes my mom bought me and looked in the mirror and for the first time I realized I didn't like my body. Between that moment and my teen years I spent so much time and energy hating myself and my body; I felt inferior and ugly because not only did I hate my body, I was also going through a never-ending awkward stage. I always felt uncomfortable in my skin, my friends were all gangly and spindly little girls and I just....wasn't. I hated physical day at school because everyone would come back talking about what they weighed and I generally avoided the conversation or lied depending on how hard I was pushed.
This continued as a general theme throughout out the next years of my life. Dance costumes were a nightmare, clothes shopping was awful, and through all of it my parents tried to make me "healthy" but all that did was make me feel shittier. This continued into my Senior year of high school.
My Senior year started like any other....I went to camp, felt shitty because everyone else was wearing a bikini, went school shopping and felt shitty because nothing fit right, and I went to school where my curves were out of place next to the lanky skinny girls I was friends with. Sometime in February the wheels came off. A guy I felt close with and cared about just disappeared and being 17 I thought I was what was wrong. I figured if I was skinnier then he would want to be with me.
The first time I purged was in February 2010. I was lucky in that I had a support system. I told my doctor and she got me on meds to take care of the issue, although I still purged when I was stressed for years after.
When I went to college I gained 40 lbs my freshmen year. 40 Pounds. After my freshmen year I went on an intensive diet and lost 30 lbs....which of course I gained the majority of back my sophomore year and then did the same diet the next summer and lost 20...which of course I gained back, and then some.
I pretty much plateaued from there and have moved up and down a few pounds but have remained mostly steady.
Fast-forward to now...In the last year I have gone through a multitude of personal hardships: relationships that left me shattered, cancer in a close family member, college graduation, unemployment and job hunting....all of which has brought me here. The past year has probably been the hardest of my life by far and somehow, I have come out of it loving myself, inside and out. I haven't lost any weight but somehow I have come to terms with my body and I so appreciate it for what it can do and what it has been able to do in the past.
I have done a lot of yo-yoing in the past. The difference is that in the past I was dieting because I hated my body and who I was whereas now I love who I am and I love my body for what it is right now and am changing my lifestyle and how I think about food. The reason I am doing this is because I want to be healthy; Healthy for me, healthy for the people I love and healthy for the family I hope to have in the future. Instead of doing it out of hate, I am doing it out of love.
I hope you enjoy following me on my journey. I'm sure I will do a lot of learning a long the way and will tell more of my story as we go. I hope you all love yourselves for who you are today and if you don't, I hope you can learn to love the amazing person you are soon.
Keep your chin up and be fearless.
(Originally Published July 2015)